Travel Tips for the Bereaved
I got the news that my brother died suddenly while I was in the Seattle airport. It was August 2016. I was supposed to be on vacation. When the plane took off from Phoenix, where I lived, everything was OK, great even! When it landed in Seattle, the world flipped upside down. I turned on my phone and was suddenly faced with overwhelming tasks: Booking a last-minute, one-way flight to be with my family, coordinating travel with Kris and the kids, arranging lodging for other people who needed to fly in, finding an outfit for the funeral.
I remember standing at the ticket counter, shaking, looking at a Southwest agent and asking her, “What am I supposed to do now?” She just stared back at me, dumbfounded. It felt like there should be a handbook for people who get devastating news on airplanes. It felt like she should guide me to the nearest exit or show me how to put on an oxygen mask. Didn’t she see I couldn’t breathe?
Months later, there were more unexpected tasks such as traveling with Alan’s ashes (and getting them through a TSA screening) and proving he was really dead in order to get refunds and bereavement discounts from airlines. At every step, it felt like no one knew how to handle the logistics of a grieving person who needed to move through the world. Through space and time.
The 2016 presidential election came a few months after Alan’s death, when I was already deep in a pit of sorrow. I remember how it felt physically more than emotionally. It was exhausting… and familiar. I was used to the rug being pulled out from under me, and now I was watching it be yanked from millions of others too.
It was the same feeling I’d had at the airport, asking the agent, “What am I supposed to do now?!” Except, it was collective. What are we supposed to do?
Last Wednesday, I woke up to the news that Trump was elected again, and I felt myself sliding toward that same abyss. I time traveled. My body immediately ached. My nervous system lit up, internal alarm bells that warned we’ve been here before. It was a new grief echoing old ones, and I found it impossible to untangle them or find any perspective.
When my phone started vibrating with text messages, I didn’t pick it up right away. But then, I saw a bunch of notifications from the group chat with my childhood besties:
“Let’s talk flights.”
“Let’s start booking.”
“I’m booked!”
Before the election, we had been tossing around ideas for our next meetup. We live all over the country and try to come together at least once every two years. But with demanding careers and families, it’s tough to find a place and time that works for everyone.
Except, in that moment it wasn’t tough. We all felt the urgency to be together, to hold one another the way only childhood friends can. One by one, we clicked over to travel apps and reserved plane tickets.
I booked my flight right there from my bed, then I got up and showered and faced my children, hugged them, allowed them the space to grieve too.
It wasn’t about needing a vacation or rushing to a funeral. It was about needing to come home to ourselves. It was about a small act of rebellion1. About remembering who I am so I can be a safe landing for my kids. About pulling together at the exact moment when some would prefer to divide us.
I still don’t have a handbook for bereaved travelers (maybe someday). I have learned a few tips that I’m happy to share.2 But looking around a crowded airport, I think it’s safe to assume many of us are lost, bereaved, dumbfounded, not sure where to go or what to do next, looking for the nearest exits.
In other news…
If you’re someone who writes stuff (emails, blog posts, essays, memoir) and you want readers to care about what you have to say, join me THIS SATURDAY for a webinar I’m teaching for Writer’s Digest. Even if you can’t attend live, sign up and you’ll get the recording (plus 3 other nonfiction webinars!)
My pal Nora recommended some wonderful grief books recently, and you might recognize one of them.
‘Tis the season for grief, estrangement, and complicated families. These 8 holiday movies might help.
Message me if you want to know how to fly with ashes in your carryon or how to find out about bereavement fares or what travel insurance doesn’t cover.
Gina- Thank you for sharing this raw and open story on such a difficult topic. I appreciate your courage to share this.